My life is a little chaotic. So I’ve turned to the tarot for guidance and reflection. Every morning, I pull a tarot card asking “What do I need to learn today?” So many times in the last year, The High Priestess has shown herself to me in this way, accompanied by persistent goosebumps. This seems to be a theme for me, in order to learn what lessons this card brings me, I’ve challenged myself this month to explore the meaning of this card, her role and how she applies to my life, and how I embody her in my own life.
First, who is The High Priestess? What meaning does this card hold?
- Inner wisdom and knowledge
- Trusting your hidden feelings and intuition
- Delving into the mysterious
- The need for balance
- An independent woman
Exploring this card’s role in my life has created an awareness of being afraid to explore the unknown or confront truths about myself and my life that I don’t want to see or explore. I know this year is supposed to be a continuation of my transformation, and I’m really excited, but really nervous.
I began seeing this card more frequently during a time in my life where I thought I was close to having everything I ever wanted, but realized it wasn’t what I wanted at all. Some hard truths I had to recognize, explore and confront that would dramatically alter my life.
This card has taken on more than the traditional meanings for me. In an attempt to get to know myself better, manage my mind, and chaotic life, I want to reflect on how she resonates most with me and possibly you, too:
She who belongs to herself
I’ve always prided myself on being a self-sufficient, independent woman, even when I was married. The events of this year have really made me re-examine this belief about myself…
For instance, money…
Being single has been sort of a rude awakening for me in terms of money. Forgetting to budget and balance, and remembering which bills need paid is a struggle. And sadly, crystals and eccentricities just don’t quite make the monthly budget anymore. Life was just so much easier when you’re married because then they can take care of things for you or with you. But, it’s not worth being married simply for the financial security, and I wouldn’t give up the satisfaction of following my heart for any payment in the world.
However, I will admit that what I miss about being married was having help with life. I’m talking about the daily chores, cleaning, and responsibilities. But, I’m just starting to appreciate that this struggle right now is ultimately helping me to learn to be truly independent and to empower myself through all areas of my life. This has been the best thing for me to be able to make my own judgments, make my own decisions, become more self aware with every aspect of my life.
Initiation requires facing your fears
Knocking out the hornets nest…
I didn’t realize these were things you had to do. In order for me to do this, I first had to conquer my fear and apathy. When I opened my door to let the light in, I was greeted with a giant hornet. In a panic, I greeted him back with a door slam and a “No thank you, salesman.” I stood there thinking to myself that maybe if he stays trapped in there long enough, he’ll find his own way out… and off I went to complete the rest of my errands.
Imagine my disappointment when I opened the front door, and found him there, still clinging to the glass of my screen door. “Maybe he died, and all I’d have to do is scrape him off.” Yep. Sounds like a great plan to me. That was my plan for the whole hornet colony. I realized then that I was avoiding having to do the real work of eradicating the hornet’s nest once and for all. I also realized that this says so much more about how I handle conflicts and certain threats and issues in my life.
It’s so much easier to ask your husband or boyfriend to do these things for you. Rather than examining the issue at the source, finding first what this angry bee looking thing is, how those suckers are getting in, where they’re coming from, where they live, and the facing your fears and shooting down the damn nest.
I kept thinking to myself “I’ll just ask my stepdad or my boyfriend to help me with this.” or… “What would happen if I just left it? I just won’t use that door.” Again, a theme in the much bigger picture of my life. What would happen, is I would impose limitations on my life out of fear. And that would perpetuate across all areas of my life.
And finally, balance… Duh
Anyway, before those weird tangents, I had a thought… What if being an independent woman and all of these struggles I’m facing living alone is really meant for me to be the man I need in my own life? Balancing my own male and female energies, and relying on myself was part of the message The High Priestess was bringing me.